Day 10

What is the best and/or worst thing about your life right now?

 This is a challenging question to face right now.  In a way- I feel like I am at the worst of my worsts and the bests of my bests all at the same time.  

 The worst part of my life, and will remain so for an unforeseeable length of time, is that I am away from my best friends and family.  Sometimes I miss them so much it actually hurts.  I hope that everyone in their lifetime has at least one friend like the few I have.  Knowing that they will always have my back, that I will never be forgotten about, and that I am unconditionally appreciated and loved in many ways is the best feeling in the world.

  Additionally however, in the very present moment- and this is about to get very personal- the worst thing is that my 2 year relationship has ended.  It's safe to say that he was the first guy I feel in love with and I don't regret the great feeling of letting myself do that.  But it is the worst in many ways. We are on, I suppose what is classified as a "break."  I have hated that word and what it stands for ever since I heard it- but I suppose it's what we needed.  Sometimes though I feel like it's just us selfishly keeping the other around or us not having the strength to truly end it. I see so much good in him and what we had that gets muddled by a lack of anger control, alcohol, and a poor attitude.  As I mentioned in my first blog- I believe, aside from the arguing, that we weren't working because we no longer saw eye-to-eye on any beliefs, values, life goals, or priorities.  Sometimes I honestly want to shake his birth certificate in his face to remind him that he is a 24-year-old acting like that of a 20-year-old.  I cannot be with, nor would I get into a relationship with, a 20-year-old.  But it is frustrating to have no concrete ending yet, and no opportunity to sit down and hash things out reasonably- so I feel like I am constantly floating in limbo.  I waver back and forth about whether I want to be with him or not, but with no opportunity to sit down and ask what he needs from me, and tell him what I need from him, I'm afraid we will be on repeat.

  But there are amazing things about my life. I am going home in 5 days! Back to Baltimore with visits to Lancaster and Newark, NJ planned.  I will get to go shopping with my mom, wrestle with my 4-legged niece, play trivia at the bar with my college friends, hopefully see some snow, and celebrate Christmas with my hilarious family.  All those things are great.  And in February I am going to complete my second 1/2 marathon, this time with 2 close friends who are coming to visit.  I would say the greatest thing about my life is my future.  Even in the darkest of times, one must always remember to turn the light on.  For me- my light is my future.